I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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