you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
