There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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