I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
