it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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