I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
