Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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