I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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