There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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