it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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