I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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