I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
