Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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