I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
