WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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