Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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