The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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