Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
