Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need to sanitize my soul.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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