Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
