I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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