Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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