Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
