I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
