i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
