I haven't been this sober since birth.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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