life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
