you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
