I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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