So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
