The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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