i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
