Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
