So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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