I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize