I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can Purell be used as lube?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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