i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
