I didn't shave. On purpose
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
