"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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