My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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