i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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