I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
