Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
