u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize