I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
