This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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