smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
