Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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