I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
