Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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