I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
