i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
