How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
