A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
A bitchslap is in order.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
