just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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