In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
