I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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