All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
