Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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