One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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