I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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